What Candles Do That the Sun Cannot

"Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen." - Hebrews 11:1

Often, people see what is plainly there. They often do not see the logic behind other things functions. I was struck by one of the spiritual books that I was reading, it was about what the candle can do that the sun can't - it can light your way in the night while no sunshine can do that.

It's just like faith.  The true essence of faith is believing in something eventhough we cannot see it. It was faith that gave strength to Abraham and Moses to journey and go to the Promise land.  It was faith that encouraged the Blessed Virgin Mary to bear the Child Jesus in her womb and it was the same faith that led Jesus bravely and unselfishly to the cross and know that there is a resurrection.

In our life faith, people's faith varies.  Most of the time people have childish faith that it often wanes once the going gets tough. Adult faith is when despite every unfortunate event, one's faith never waiver.

Just like the time when St. Francis was a young man. After the "death of his second vision" where God asked Him "Francesco, Francesco where are you going." and St. Francis, a young knight then said: I'm off to war to be the greatest knight by serving God's servant the Pope." But God had a different idea of turning Francesco knighthood that God told the then young St.Francis: "Francesco go back to Assisi and there I will tell you what to do." So the young knight, Francesco de Bernardone went back to Assisi against his own will.

For a year God was silent. And the young Francesco became restless and sought refuge in going to Mt. Subasio. There he poured his heart out and at last God spoke to Him again and was relieved, renewed and remade.

Faith is not an easy thing to do. But despite it's difficulty it is the light that we can depend on in the dark times before we see the sunlight. Seek God first when your faith waiver and everything will follow. You don't necessarily have to see it, but through experience and maturity, eventually your faith will grow and you will be wise enough to understand and imbibe it.

TESTED LIKE SILVER: An Ode to 25 Years of Existence of the Franciscan Youth Movement NSOLL Fraternity

"And the LORD God formed man of the dust of the ground, and breathed into his nostrils the breath of life; and man became a living soul." Genesis 2: 7

They said one knows if the silver is ready once the person making and heating it would see his own face in the silver. God made us in His image and likeness, just like silver we are suppose to reflect his image in the way we live.  For 25 years, each member of the Franciscan Youth Movement have tried to follow the precept to be Christ-like through the examples of St. Francis of Assisi. Silvers.

I am pleased to know that the Franciscan Youth Movement is celebrating it's 25th or Silver Anniversary. A milestone indeed.  Many souls have been converted and many hopes were created. Each of us learned to dream in the movement. Dream and journey. To use what we have our very own treasures in the form of time, talent and theology.

Each of us though may have have swerved from the path, as the journey of a Franciscan Youth is not an easy one. We trudge a path full of trials, temptations as we make use of our gifts and share them with others. It is not easy to be a Franciscan Youth because we are mandated to be truly heralds of God's love. But what's so interesting about it, is that we have to do it in the simplest and most humble means.

We are a generation who must continue to let God's word flourish not just through our reading the Bible everyday, but living the Bible itself in our thoughts, words, and actions. 

I owe a lot to this movement. Mga kapatids here gave me a reason to continue and try my best to be Christ like and use my talent for God's glory.  This is a group of individuals who accepted me despite my flaws/imperfection and brought me back home to God. They were beacons of God's love to my then bewildered and very lost spirit. They were more than friends they were my siblings in the Christian, Franciscan Family.

As a Franciscan youth, each of us are tasked to do so. Franciscan Youth, accepted or not, all individuals were created in God's image and likeness the least we can do is give thanks to God by letting Him work through us. To strive to be the best with what God gave us. 

We are all instruments of peace.  It would be great, if you have brothers and sisters like I have in this fraternity whose never ending generosity, gracious and inspiring lives have been my anchor and living Bibles through their examples.

Congratulations again mga Kapatids (Siblings) in this Fraternity - Fraternity in the true sense of the word - brotherhood. Go and make a difference to more youth!

Pride Chicken

"And the king was deeply moved, and went up to the chamber over the gate, and wept." - 2 Samuel 18:33

I have broken the fourth commandment and my soul is being eaten away.

One of the most moving scenes I remember in the movie "Brother Sun and Sister Moon" was when St. Francis of Assisi went back to his house even if he abandoned it for a long time. While it is true he followed God and renounce his birthright when he stirpped himself naked in front of Assisi and the Bishop, it does not mean he loved his father less. He just loved God more. And despite the fact that he did not do anything wrong, he still went back to the Bernardone household to ask for his father's forgiveness.

Just last night, I told myself to be more patient with my father but when he told me that he preferred not to live with me and my brothers because of a trifle matter I was enraged. The matter was really trifle in the sense that all it needed was a proper dialogue with some members of the family. Lately, my father had been so sensitive about trivial things but I guess I cannot blame him, it's part of getting old.

I loved my dad, but my dad is not perfect either. I just felt that somethings was not right yesterday. As it went, I lost my temper and had a slight tantrum. I asked my brother to fix this little personal mishap.

I do not want my father to leave but when he said that he prefer to do so despite a matter we could easily resolve, I lost my own control. I was thinking of my own hurt. I was so close-minded after all.

When I was reading the Daily Bread and how King David felt the lost of his son, plus the "Reflection: Preventing Regret" that accompanied it I felt a pang of guilt.

It said: "The pain of trying to make things right can be hard. But it's much better to do what we can to make things right "in the living years."

What is pride compared to God and my own father's forgiveness.  The reading taught me, fear is not enough reason to love and be humbled.  Life is fleeting and we never know how long will God allow us the chance to correct our wrongs.

So now, I'm leaving for the night and go home. Originally, I planned to come home late, however I realized, a peace of mind and a grateful heart is better than pride and being chicken to ask my father's forgiveness.

As a Franciscan, I should be humble enough to face the wrong thing I have done and correct it properly.

What My Acceptance in FYM Really Meant

"You do not know what you ask. Are you able to drink the cup that I drink, and be baptized with the baptism I am baptized with?"- Mark 10:38

In a way I was like St. John and James of Zebedee, I did not know what I was asking when I wanted to be an Accepted member of the Franciscan Youth Movement.


Before I  thought it was a matter of memorizing Franciscanism and Franciscan Spirituality, knowing Basic Christian Doctrines. But being a true Franciscan Youth is beyond that it is accepting the life of the group.

Truth be told, I had two excruciating scrutiny, as my first attempt to be Accepted Member did not push through and I was extended with fellow troubadours.  The second scrutiny was the most soul-scouring (take note, not soul-searching but scouring) question and answer I had.

Scrutiny really breaks you. Unlike the "common notion of fraternity hazing and initiation" the Franciscan Youth Movement is a fraternity in its truest essence - a brotherhood, a community of young people following Christ through the example of St. Francis of Assisi. The Scrutiny is part of our "Way of our personal cross." We have to be broken in spirit in order to have new, where God leads us.

It took two days for the elders to deliberate whether or not to make me an Accepted Member.  There was a thin line between passing and failing me in the scrutiny. If I fail, I would be extended. I felt downtrodden as the I knew I would fail. During the scrutiny, I did not know what rules or teachings I need to memorize.

Finally, giving up I wrote a letter to the whole fraternity telling them during the Sunday after the second scrutiny that I might be able  to attend. I told them what I really felt. I felt that at first it feels humiliating that I won't be accepted. I told them how painful it is to be not accepted in the movie. I felt confuse to what else do I need to do, do I need to learn in order to be an Accepted member but then I also told them that it was quite a humbling experience.

In my own quandary and loneliness, I remember what Ate Ems said during the scrutiny. She said it is not me being accepted by the group but me accepting the life of the group.

I did not get what she said then, and during those downtrodden times, but I guess God had a hand in it when he made write the words that the elders needed to see. I placed in my letter how much I really want to be part of the movement, how sorry and could not understand if I feel so much resentment towards them. I told how I felt rejected and humiliated knowing or assuming the worst, that I will not pass. Yet through it all, I told them that this "bitterness becomes sweet because it is for God."

I told them that I love the group and I really wish to be part of me. If being extended for the second time would make a better person and a better candidate for accepted, I will obliged. And though it is a painful reality, I succumbed to the idea of accepting my so-called defeat.

But as history went, God works mysterious ways and I was accepted. The letter which showed how broken I was, the letter which showed my willingness to undergo further trials and understanding the fraternity more, and following the footsteps of St. Francis and applying the Franciscan way of life had somehow been shown in that letter.

Now that I am an Accepted member, and that was practically a decade ago from now. I realized now what it means to be accepted. An Accepted member must be ready to follow Christ and be heralds of God's glory like St. Francis of Assisi. It means utmost humility while making a difference. Being accepted was accepting the life of a Franciscan Youth, lovingly embracing the cross and being instruments of peace.

The Tale of Two Brothers Who Were Candidates for Acceptance

"...for they all put in out of their abundance, but out of her poverty put in all that she had, her whole livelihood." - Mark 12:44

It is never the quantity, it had always been the quality and sincerity that one puts when it comes to serving God.

When I was a young troubadour in the movement, there were different snippets about questions and anecdotes about the scrutiny. 

Before becomes a fully pledged Franciscan Youth or an Accepte Member of the Fraternity they should at least have been with the group for several months or years - depending on their development and desire to be finally accepted.  During my time, that was in 1999, we had to send a letter of request to express our desire to be formally accepted by the fraternity, we had a written exam, a local scrutiny comprised of mostly accepted member and the local fraternity heralds (officers equal in right but different responsibilities) and the most crucial of all was the final scrutiny with the "elders" of the fraternity, the national and local fraternity heralds and accepted members.

Just like silver is tested in fire, so is the aspiring candidate tested.  Questions so personal that would purify and release true intentions to be a member will come out.

One of the anecdotes I remembered was the tale of two brothers. They were asked how they will "promote" or "market" the fraternity to others. The older and more learned but proud brother said he was to photocopy stuff, do campaigns and all those flamboyant way to show-off the fraternity while the second and younger brother, who was a bit shy but determined to be in the group simply said that he will try his best to be a living Bible to others by sharing himself to people and helping others.

I'll give you three guesses who was accepted - the second and younger, brother.

Just like St. Francis of Assisi, who lived simply and followed the way of the humble Christ so are we Franciscans or Christians as a whole should do the same.

God even prefers personal anonymity than those who are hypochrites.  It is not how the "gift of service" was made of but it is more about the true intentions of glorifying God and not the self when it comes to be truly God's heralds of peace, hope and love.

Paying It Forward

"Good man, you showed yourself capable in small matters. For that you can take over ten villages...the moral is: whoever has will be given more, but the one who has not will lose what he has." - Luke 19:17

Have you watched the movie "Pay It Forward?"

I guarantee you, it's a certified tearjerker. But besides that it reminds us about an important lesson: sharing what we have been given.

I know I have been given with so much talent. It would pathetic and disappointing if I do not do anything to glorify God, as a way of thanking Him.

I know I will never be famous. My epitaph may not hold so much promise. I doubt if ever I would have the dream eulogy that I might be given at the time of my funeral. However in all that, it does not matter.  God knows what I have done. That is what is important.

The world may not know or care for my efforts, even if I try to make the world a better place in my own simple way, through the gifts God gave me. I may never receive the Nobel Prize, Pulitzer or even a Palanca Award. Nevertheless, that does not stop me from doing what I can to make life better and more livable through my works, actions, thoughts and words.

I was given gifts. Given. So I should I also "Pay it Forward" to others for they are not mine to keep. At the end of my life, I am accountable for what I was given.

Just like St. Francis of Assisi. He was not as smart or prolific as St. Augustine or St. Thomas Aquinas. His writings were all straightforward and his way of life of simple. Yet in never stopped him to serve the poorest of the poor, never minding his health, that even in his late forties St. Francis of Assisi was practically blind.  He tried to make the world a better place by abandoning his pride and letting God work through him. And God led Him and bless Him, and gave provided for Him.

Whatever we decide to do, always count in the eyes of the Lord. We do not live and love life for our own but for God and our fellowmen.

Spread the Word

"Write up on a scroll what you now see and send it...," Revelation 1:11

"'Receive your sight. Your faith has healed you.' at the very moment he was given his sight and beegan to follow   him, giving God the glory."  - Luke

When I was directing "West Side Story" for YAFCA, I found it cool when the Jets (the American gang in the play) would say "spread the word."

Unlike modern text messages that says "Please, pass", I began using "Spread the word!" to let the others send other people messages.

However, now that I know better, "Spread the Word" for me now means sharing the Good News/Gospel either through written/verbal/example.

Just like the blind man, there are times that I too was in darkness, and though my own faith is not as as great as other people, somehow it is accepted by God and He allowed me to share His love and wisdom through my different talents.

Following of Saint Francis of Assisi, this dear saint he made his life an open book where God can write His love story for us. In St. Francis' life, there was a time that He felt alone and lost that He searched for God. He spend time in places like Mount Subasio and visited places like San Damiano. In the end, God answered His prayers in the right time. Once St. Francis was enlightened, he never turned back from his faith and against all odds followed God and lived his life as a living Bible - through words, action, and thoughts.

Everyday of our lives, I realized that we have our moments of blindness of darkness. And yet if we learn to seek God, depend on Him and His love. Cling to Him without ceasing then whatever had plagued us will be smoothened out.

But the buck does not stop in simply thanking Him. While it is great to thank God, but it would be better if we share what we have experienced through Jesus Christ's mercy and graciousness. God ask us to be workers in His vineyard. Like St. John, the blind man and St. Francis of Assisi, may we allow God to work through us make us herald of the Gospel.

The Never Ending Stories

"There are still many other things that Jesus did...I doubt there would room enough in the entire world to hold th books to record them." - John 21:25

Did you ever experience the fear of not able to finish something you started?

I have ...and this blog is one of them.  I've always told myself that I'm a writer.  I have many experiences and I guess I don't think I would be able to lose stories to write here.

But as I've found out in this first week, it's not really a matter of lack of things to write, it's a matter of lack of faith.

Writers usually experience what you call a writer's block. There are some famous writers who would get drunk and walk around for a few minutes to get the inspiration they need. With Hemingway, he would write for at least 2 hours everyday so that he would not lose he's drive and momentum.

For me, I know I'm a writer but I'm not prolific yet and making blogs is something I just recently discovered.

I told myself that I must write the entry in a time where I could freely do it - say every dawn whre no one else would bother me.  I have to do the entries weekly and distribute them separately, daily.

I found it difficult. It's hard to write something in just a few hours, let alone five blog entries in one sitting.  I fear that there would come a time I would not know where to get my topics/entries from.

But I guess as a Franciscan, the answer had been taught a long time ago. Have faith and don't forget that the great source of wisdom and knowledge would be from the Bible.

The Bible has so many books. It's practically a library and witin this library of knowledge are diverse stories whose experiences and lessons are as timely as now.

Now, I do not fear that I might lose a topic or inspiration to draw from.  Just like St. Francis, all I have to do is open the Bible, read a verse and let God through the Holy Spirit move me.

The Bible is not just a source of inspiration to jumpstart this blog, but it is a guidebook for all eternity.

As both a Franciscan and Christian, I believe that everything here is true and is forever relevant.

So regarding fear of losing topics for my blog, let my hands do the walking and let my eyes rest on the "Words of God," strike my heart and move me like it did St. Francis of Assisi.

Holy Spirit: The Powerful Wind that Moves This Aeolian Harp

"All were filled with the Holy Spirit. They began to express themselves in foreign tongues and make bold proclamation as the Spirit prompted them." - Acts 2:4

Have you ever been moved by something so powerful that you go and things you've never done before? So much that it is a powerful wind that moves you as it moves you like an Aeolian Harp
being strummed to create music.

Say what now?

In my old cognitive class, "Aesthetics and Literary Criticism," writer Percy Shelley mentioned
that a poet is like and Aeolian Harp, an ancient stringed instrument wherein inspiration becomes a moving breeze that moves this harp for creativity.

But inspiration, like coals, has a short span of time.  But if a more powerful force, like the Holy Spirit envelops you - it is more than a passing breeze but a wind like no other. Beyond inspiration, the Holy Spirit is a force to reckon with.

Photo retrieved from http://www.usca.edu/math/~mathdept/hsg/aeolian.html

Moved by the Spirit

I have learned about the Holy Spirit through all those Religion/Christian Living/Theology in classes in school. But it was only lately that I truly felt or distinguished its presence, in the most ordinary situations.

Out of the blue, I decided to go to church  everyday.  Added to that, I seem to like to go to the Blessed Sacrament as part of my now daily routine.  I feel so inspired to do more spiritual activities which include praying the rosary and really, spending loads of time for the Sacred Half Hour.

Energy from Above

Despite some depressive moments these past days, I feel secure.  I also have enough energy to go to work despite the fact that my body is physically hurting.  I seem to have some reserve energy somewhere where I myself don't know where it came from. I have been quite productive.

Holy Spirit Painting by Colleen Shay, photo retrieved
from http://fineartamerica.com/featured/holy-spirit-colleen-shay.html

I guess this is what it means to be moved by the Spirit. 

If I was left on my own, I would not have the continuous discipline in doing my chores, my work, my exercise, and my spiritual duties until now. It has been three weeks! 

Indeed, the Holy Spirit moves a person but it happens by spending more time doing spiritual activities, like spending time with God.

Through the Holy Spirit's help I was able to do things that I hardly would care about and I feel a certain joy now as I spend time with God. And in my own way, I have contributed to the "external poem that is still being written" which happens to be my life.

"Simple joys are holy." - from the Francixcan song "Day by Day"

THE CHURCH’S INTERNAL AND EXTERNAL REFORMATORS (Remembering St. Francis of Assisi and Martin Luther)

“The Old and the New. Do not think that I have come to abolish the law and the prophets.  I have come not to abolish them but to fulfill them…Whoever fulfills and teaches these commands shall be great in the Kingdom of God.” – Matthew 5:17 – 19

Have you ever spent your birthday alone?

I used to. Loads of times! Except for the past two years and during my younger years, I would spend the most important day of my life alone. Despite the fact I had organizations, I always with go celebrate in my own simple, lonely way.

And in those solitary times, I would simply treat myself to the movies often in Ayala Mall, in Makati. One of these movies that I saw was “Luther.” 

"Luther"

To be honest I had no idea what it was about until the scene when Luther (Joseph Fiennes) was inRome.  He was about to do a plenary indulgence by paying some money to the Dominican treasury box and then the Order of Preacher Friar asked his name. That was the only time, I realized he was Martin Luther – the founder of the Lutheran Church.

During that time Rome was very corrupt and vile that the priesthood was more intent on getting money and sinning with some of the hometown whores.

I could not blame Luther instead I admire him. Because if it was not for me St. Ignatius and other faithful would not have been shaken so much as to help realign practices of the Church through Counter-Reformation. Luther to Catholicism was like Plato to Poetry – he made the people vigilant.

Another thing I was grateful for Luther is the fact that, if it weren’t for him the Bible would not be written in the vernacular. How beautiful the words does the Bible have, that it was a great leap to be infused with God’s love through the Holy Scripture.

Martin Luther then shook the false idealism that was destroying the Catholic Faith.  However, despite the fact that I admire him, I know a man who DID reformed the Church from within and never left it despite the faith’s holes and imperfections – St. Francis of Assisi.

The Pope and the Beggar

Francesco di Bernardone or St. Francis of Assisi was literally following the Bible and it would be an understatement to say that he is living Bible.  During the time where the Catholic Church heads were so engrossed with Gold, Crusades and Glory. It took one man to make a BIG DIFFERENCE.

Pope Innocent III dreamt of a little man who was holding the crumbling Church and he recognized that man to be St. Francis of Assisi and met up with him and the Lesser Brothers in Rome.

This saint of the century reformed the Church from within. He did not use any scholastic means but he lead and influenced through his unsurpassed devotion, one-of-a-kind actions. He read the Bible all the days of his life and followed it to a T.

My Imperfect Faith

Yes the Roman Catholic faith is not perfect and yet despite the flaws this is the faith that brought me closer to God.  This is the religion where Jesus Christ installed during the last Supper.

There are things I cannot explain regarding my faith but all I know God had work wonders in my life, and it is all because this Roman Catholic religion had instilled some practices, beliefs and precepts that would help me in my experiences in life.

Besides that, this is the faith that also introduced me to a lifelong role model who will always be

Photo retrieved from http://centerfornv.org/Getinvolved/HowtoHelp.aspx

relevant for all time.

As a Catholic and a Franciscan Youth, I am called to follow the footsteps of Christ through the examples of Saint Francis of Assisi. I am given the responsibility to learn, know, follow, and spread the Gospel as a troubadour and knight of God.

I will make a difference in this journey called life. Big or small let God be the judge. However, one thing is clear – I am not blind with the faults of my Roman Catholic religion but I will not turn away from her. This faith may had given me crosses along the way but it was but a necessary tool to help me to slowly, and hopefully live like Christ.

LIVING LA VIDA DE PADRE NOSTRE

“But what if the salt goes flat? How can you restore its flavor? Then it is good for nothing but to be thrown out and trampled underfoot” – Matthew 5:13

"It is nothing to die. It is horrible not to live." - Les Miserables

Death has its way of scaring me especially if the idea of death keeps looming itself in my consciousness.

Majority of that fear stems from the idea of not having done what I should do in life. A flat salt that seems to be unworthy of living or useless to exist. 

I guess I feel this way because there are many things that I need to accomplish. But the comforting part is that at least, I know I keep moving forward despite some hindrances.

And more than a dreamer. I'm more than a pilgrim. I am both combined.

The Dreamer and Pilgrim

Photo taken by Arslan Yatim, Retrieved from http://500px.com/photo/8287400

One of the greatest lessons I learned from the Franciscan Youth Movement (FYM), specifically from Kuya Deng is to be the third type of person I mentioned earlier - to be both a dreamer and a pilgrim.

To be both is to have goals in life, aim for them and do steps to fulfill it.

You see as a dreamer you have a goal and you simply stay where you are doing your own brand of wishful thinking. On the other hand, to be a just simply a pilgrim you are the type of journeyer who walks listlessly anywhere without any direction, without any goal.

In life we all have different dreams and we should walk towards them. But being both a dreamer and pilgrim is not enough, I realized that in everything have God lead me to them and when in His way prohibits or hinders me in reaching those dreams, in time I learned that it is for my own good.

I may never totally lose my fear about dying but I should be more concern about how live my life more under God's light because He knows what is best for us.

No matter what I have in store for myself, I should also live according to what had created me for. Knowing how Omnipotent He is and how great He is, I'm sure He had given me hints along the way. He is not taking away my freedom to choose of course, but selection without His guidance might lead to nullity.

Death is just only another entry for a better life. Fear of dying is nothing compared to the fear of the Lord.  God will always provide and simply knows what is best.

I must live my life according to what He knows is best. Pray. Have Faith. Live. Love and walk towards my true goal, so that in the end...I can happily say that "Yes, Lord, Your will had been done." And I would not fear death for Heaven is just only a step away.

"Welcome Sister Death!" - Saint Francis of Assisi.

The Stander(s) by Me

"But the Lord stood with me and strengthened me and preserve me for his Heavenly kingdom. To Him be the glory forever and ever. AMEN." - 2 Timothy 4:17-18

"I'm a bad, bad girl."

I guess this was one of my classic Franciscan Youth Movement (FYM) moment. I remember Kuya Toms parodying this before until now.  I'm both appalled and entertained when he does that, it's not just hilarious at one point but it's also embarassing at the same time to remember how sinful I was back then.

This line came out during my first Easter Youth Celebration (EYC).  It was never a defining moment for me...until now because I realize that was that time that I was really broken. Broken by God and the beginning of my conversion.

A Different Valentine's Day

On February 14, 1999, I joined the FYM.  Weeks before this, I wanted to join FYM. I was observing a friend of mine as she entered this small room, the second door of the Parish. The people inside the room gave a warm glow, and greeted my friend with joyous spirits.

How I envied her.

I felt like I was outside that bubble of happiness. I was filled with envy and an indescribable longingness to receive the same peaceful and happy dispositions they have.

I was observing outside the bubble.  I wanted to get inside that bubble and be part of it. And I did.

On Valentine's Day, in the year of our Lord 1999, I made sure I joined this movement. I wanted to enter on an auspicious day so that I would remember it forever.

And I felt home immediately. And it felt really good that our first activity I had with them was to go to the Orthopaedic where we assisted, serenaded, talked with the patients there.

Indeed it was a different way to spend Valentine's day with them. It was a great way to begin my Franciscan journey.

Modern Troubadours

Through the years, the fraternity had shown and glorified God through their works, teachings, formations, advices and examples. They were more than friends to me, they were my "kapatids." 

They are true knights for God, like St. Francis of Assissi, and together with God, they are friend who are "standers" not "runners."  In the Old West, "runners" are people who leave their comrades when the going gets tough while "standers" are the ones who stay and never abandon you in moments of peril. No matter happens.

I have entered the so-called bubble only to find out it was not a bubble after all but a continuous synergy of love that spirals to others and towards God.

I want to be like them because despite being an accepted member, I still believe I am far from being a true Franciscan. Their examples as individuals and as a group is still hard for me to follow until now. To be like them is not just being a light of hope and love but it takes courage, will, and total surrender to God.

Right now, the bad girl has improved in a way but I still have a long way to go.  I have not fully followed Christ ways but I am trying and trying still.

Thank God I have my "kapatids" in FYM who are this generation's standers for people like me. Who despite my inconsistencies had been my friends despite of everything I have done.

Angels on Wheels

"Be imitators of me my brothers. Take as your guide those who follow the example that we have set." - Philippians 3:1

People say that angels walk among us. I beg to disagree - not always. In my case, they were on wheels. Yes, they. I met two angels today. Their names are Romy and Rodel. They both can't walk anymore and they are currently living at the back of the Orthopaedic hospital.

I remember, Mama Bonn saying that angels are people God had sent to help you. I've read that somewhere as well in "Little Women" and that sometimes angels are in the guise of family and friends. Today, I never really know them but they had helped me more than I can do for them.

Forgot my Vitamins?

I just went home around noon today. Lethargic and anxious, as I went straight to the University of the Philippines to submit my re-admission form and haven't gotten much sleep.  Let alone the fact that I went to school from a graveyard shift added to my drowsiness.

I can easily attribute my weak disposition for not sleeping a lot.  But then again, last week was the same.

I was still awake around this time and slept after noon. And yet last week, I was light, bubbly, and very productive. The difference was not really about what I physically did or not do, but it was more of a spiritual kind.

You see, last week I discovered the wonderful joys of going to Church every single day. I didn't stop there I received communion, I went straight to the Blessed Sacrament and spent time "listening" to God and then "talking" in silence, prayed the rosary and spending loads of time in my room doing the sacred half hour. I did all of those spiritual undertakings every single day last week.

This week, I didn't had only lapses but I totally didn't complete any of them to the point of just reading the Daily Bread's Bible reading and reflection while commuting on my way to work. In short, I didn't have time for God.

And that is why I felt like I was being punished. I was lethargic and everything.  I did not have so much of an energy going to work or other stuff because I knew that it was the Holy Spirit that was giving me strength.  As much as I didn't want to believe that God was that inconsiderate, a restless and fearful thought of how much I am vulnerable without God.

I was groping in an indescribable darkness in contrast to the heavenly feeling I had the week before.

I was crying from within, apologizing to God for not spending time in prayer. I had so many things that I wanted to do and yet I feel I won't be successful in anything because I was being "punished" by God for my negligence of Him.

I was a person who lost her lucky charm.

Unexpected Meeting

But then, God sent two angels to tell me that my thoughts were not correctly aligned with how I came to know Him. While it's true that it's very wrong to put God aside for other worldly task like what happened to the sister Martha and Mary, where in young Mary chose the correct thing to do - spending and listening to God's Son, our Lord Jesus Christ - that does not mean God is all set out for vengeance because I did not visit Him like what I did the last time.

I was free of my guilt and bondage when I arrived home.  As I was about to enter our gate, I noticed two men on a wheelchair waiting outside my lola's house which was across the street.   I looked at them and since rude to stare and they might think I was pitying them, thinking they might get offended, I looked away. Another reason was, I didn't have extra money and it was instinctive of me to do that as well, thinking they might ask for some.

But as soon as I placed my stuff down and gave Dad his lunch food. I bolted out of the house and went to the two wheelchaired men outside my lola's house.  It's like when St. Francis was still young and a beggar went to his father's shop. At first he disregarded the beggar, but then soon he was so moved that he gave the beggar some money.

I asked them what they need, hoping I could help them. They seem to be waiting for someone inside my lola's compound. And sure enough they were there. They were waiting for both my lola's, telling me that my grandmothers know them and told me that my lolas have seen them already.

They were no strangers to my grandmothers, Lola Ying and Lola Maming. They said they had people helping them around our vicinity, my grandmothers included, who would give them food, some money for their operations and everything.

Since I am currently financially challenged as well, due to family obligations, the least I could do was go to the store where I had a credit line and asked if they could enlist some other food and items under my well, credit list where I pay every time I receive my salary. I gave what little I can give but I was so filled with joy that even if I could not do much, I was able to help in my little way.

I had  a simple and good little chat with them for I am genuinely, concerned for them. I learned some anomalies of some institutions which enraged me how some people would use these physically challenge brothers of ours for their own profit. Good thing there are angels at the Orthopaedic who treats them well. Like Romy needs an operation, he will not have any problem with food for the next months since the Orthopaedic have free food for them as a government hospital. It's the medical needs that they have to buy though. 

I'm also worried for them. Well more for Rodel, because since Romy is going to the Orthopaedic, he will  have food and lodging but it's Rodel who will be left behind.

Prepping-up for them in the Future

There are some sad tales that they told me, I really felt sad for them since they don't have any shelter, food nor family. As much as they don't want to keep on begging, they have to to survive. In fact they would go all the way to Bambang once they receive some money to buy medical needs. They don't do it often just bi-monthly. They say they will come back by Christmas because some people might use their name.

By then, I vow that I will be more financially prepared to help them.  But hopefully, I don't need to wait for Christmas for their visit, I'm planning to visit and bring them some stuff once I have some money that I can spare.

I felt great when I was sincere to help others, I found an indescribable joy and strength after it. I felt vindicted and free of guilt, cause I saw Christ in them and I know that instance was another way to be with God.

The Church and Me

Photo by Marc Viaje

To spend time at Church and attend the mass every Sunday is indeed a Spiritual obligation. Going to mass everyday is an option. I realized I'm not going to be punished for that.  After all, God gave everyone the freedom of choice. I mean even when Christ was still on Earth, during the time He was at the temple Jesus Himself showed that acts of mercy weighs more than going to the temple with empty hearts and too much into the law made some people forget to love others. Some obligations had exceptions.

But then again, I vow to jumpstart the spiritual habit I began last week, because in a huge way it is indeed a jumpstarter. God will understand if there are circumstances that may impede us once in awhile to be with Him however, a different fear engulfs me. Remember how Christ would spend a lot of time alone praying before and after the day.  That's how Christ got His strength - from God the Father.

I'm going to do my spiritual habit not out of fear anymore but because it would be a huge lost for me not to spend time with God. Being with God is being at home with Him in Heaven.  However, I must also not forget that together with spending more time with Him, acts of mercy also is another way to see God and learn what genuine love is as well.